But I Don’t Want To…

It’s been two months since I published ‘Not Wired That Way’.

Are you curious how it’s going?

It was going great.

Until it wasn’t.

I was on a spiritual high. But then, without bracing for it, I took a drastic dip.

Sometimes I’ll fall and not know why. But this time I can pinpoint the day. It’s a long story but the short version is that Matt and I had a fight. It was one of our bigger blowouts. I said hurtful things. He said hurtful things. (Since this is my post, I get to focus on the negative things he said and glaze over my actions.) His words crushed me. They solidified every doubt I have about myself. I let accusations manifest in my mind and heart, reaffirming all the ways I fall short. That feeling was awful.

So I promptly battened down the hatches. I turned off emotions and got busy staying busy.

I filled every minute with to-do’s and hustled through any quiet time because, heaven forbid, I reflect introspectively.

That was over a week ago. Since then we have both apologized and we’re no longer fighting. Life has resumed as normal but I haven’t bothered to take down any of those walls or actually address all the negative emotions that bubbled up.

The timing was great because I have been crazily finishing a couple projects. It is much easier to keep my mind preoccupied than to sit and pray and sort out those feelings.

So I didn’t. I haven’t.

I’ve stayed busy.

I’m comfortably detached from any emotion and feeling very little below a surface level.

So how does this correlate to my faith?

Because when I’m walled off I get indifferent.

Am I unforgiving? Nah. But that can be swapped with uncaring pretty easily.

Am I hateful? Nope. But am I seeking ways to love? Also nope.

I am – meh. I’m going through the motions.

I love God but I’m lacking passion. I believe Jesus died for my sins but am lacking the zeal to share it with others. I know I’m forgiven but I’m not living joyfully into it.

Because when I shut down one area, they all go.

The good and the bad.

So, to answer the question. It’s not going well. I’m comfortably indifferent and becoming more and more detached. This is my neutral but it’s not where I want to be.

So, there you have it.

I’m rating towards the bottom on my faith and feelings scale and high up there on my not-a-good- Christian-o-meter.

I’ve identified I’m off track. Now how do I get back on?

What I want to do is switch quickly into my next project, blare P!nk, binge watch Friends, and read a new book.

But I’m not going to do what I want. I’m going to do what I need.

What I’m going to do is put away my Nelly and have my Christian radio preset on in my car. I’m going to listen to a Living Proof podcast when I really want to hear what’s going on in the next Crime Junkie.

I need to shift my focus. I need to let God back into my heart. I need to stop the kaleidoscope of never-ending thoughts and recenter on Christ.

That means temporarily eliminating my comfort habits that I prefer as distractions.

I’m not going to lie, I don’t want to.

My life is “funner” and” freer” when I live the way I want to live and put aside those pesky scriptures that tell me otherwise. At least it seems to be those things in the moment.

Logically I know that this self-centered cycle that I’m in will spiral and I’ll be seeking more and more ways to distract myself instead of getting right with God. I need to let Him reassure me. I need to let Him heal my heart. I need to let Him see where I was hurt. I need Him to undo all the damage from the negative self-talk that I bombarded myself with long after my husband had apologized.

But I don’t want to.

So I’m doing what I’m “supposed” to do because I’m supposed to do it not because I want to.

I recently read a meme that talks about how obeying God and serving Him should make us joyful. And I believe that it will.But right now, I’m reluctantly immersing myself in things I don’t want to do because I know eventually it will shape me to be the person I want to be. When I’m good with God; Sword and Scale podcasts are fine. When I’m in the right head space I can jam out to Jay-Z without a second thought. I hate that I feel like I’m punishing myself by doing a Bible study instead of reading Harlan Coben’s newest book. I’m annoyed that I’m annoyed that I’m listening to Beth Moore instead of ‘In the Dark.’

But When I’m like this, shut down and staying busy to intentionally be preoccupied, it’s distancing me even more from God. I purposefully avoiding Him. He hasn’t moved… I’m the one filling a space between us with a bunch of distractions because I don’t want to get uncomfortable and deal with my emotions. I don’t want to stop and pray. I don’t wan to stop and think. I don’t want to be still and know… But I need to.

Right now, I’m not happy about it. But I trust after I do, that within a couple days I’ll be thankful that I did. And be able to balance my creature comforts after I have aligned myself again with the Creator.

That’s where I’m at.

Thanks for asking.